I'm just angry

For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about losing the baby. I WANT another baby and I wanted that one. I hate that my husband is deployed and we have to wait 6 more months to even try again, plus however long it takes to get pregnant again, plus 9 months of cookin' the baby before I can finally hold it. I'm angry, but I understand it all happens for a reason. I get that, I do. but I'm still kind of angry. I'm angry at the Marine Corps, because they are really putting a damper on our family plans with this deployment, but I understand this is what my husband signed up for and what he has to do. I'm proud of him, but I'm still angry about the situation we're in.

I don't want to come off as ungrateful for the son I already have, because believe me, I love that little boy more than words could ever describe!!! He is my whole world! I just really wanted him to have a sibling close in age. I'm so thankful for Mason and I know how lucky I am to have such a perfect healthy baby boy (whoops.. toddler.. gosh he's getting so big!)

I don't really know why I've been thinking about it so much lately. Maybe because of that last statement I made in the paragraph above... he's getting so big. I just miss having a little baby around so bad! Maybe it's this deployment starting to weigh down on me as we near the one month mark. It feels like it's taking forever for the "one month mark" to get here and to think I still have 6 more of those to go is depressing. The first 3 weeks flew by and I had all the confidence in the world that we'd be able to handle it just fine, but it seems like time stopped lately. Maybe because it seems like EVERYONE is pregnant right now and I'm constantly reminded that I should be too. Especially the friends that got pregnant around the same time as me. I follow their pregnancies and think "I would be this far along now if I hadn't lost our baby" or maybe it's because 3 other friends of mine also recently lost babies... 2 of them on the same day. Seeing them go through the pain of losing their babies kind of brings everything back for me, I guess.

Sometimes I dont feel like I rate enough to say "i know how you feel" to someone who had a miscarriage. I literally lost my baby as soon as I found out I was pregnant, so I guess I dont know how it feels to have carried a baby for 7 weeks, 8 weeks or even longer, but I know how it feels to be SO EXCITED about having a baby and picking out names and double strollers and telling your little boy he's going to be a big brother and getting your whole family all excited, only to find out a week later you lost your baby and all those exciting hopes and dreams are now gone... at least for this baby.

I know God has a plan for us and in His eyes, it just wasn't good timing. I just wish God's plans and MY plans were a little closer to the same path sometimes haha!

there's nothing I can do, so I know I just have to accept it, but I'm just angry right now! I'm angry that anyone should have to lose a baby. I'm angry for anyone that wants a baby, but can't have one or is having a hard time getting pregnant. I'm angry for any baby that is born with a horrible disease and spends their short life in the hospital going through painful procedures and surgeries and chemo. Children and babies should never have to suffer and their parents should never have to go through that pain. I know it happens and it's part of life, but right now... I'm just angry!